Posts (page 2)

one of the best things to come out of the trip to london was hearing a band named elbow and the song "one day like this." his voice reminds me of peter gabriel mixed with a little blue october. it works, and it's lovely.

i'm better today. i know that the wear and tear of travel can and does take its toll. yesterday i was low. today i was too busy to pay attention. it's getting late and as the night draws to a close i am trying. i am making the effort to not focus on the down side of things. i am still sad, it's true. i am confused and overwhelmed and unsure, but it's all because i haven't completely given up or in. it's when you do those things that suddenly everything stops hurting. but it also stops mattering, and i'm not ready to go there with it yet. i know that it's possible to practice acceptance, but i refuse to accept that this here is my lot in life.

i feel old and tired and like i've wasted a lot of time. but i still have time left, as far as i know, and that is where my focus needs to be.

it was grand while it lasted. the vacation, sure. but more than that, the respite from the sometimes and more often lately overwhelming sadness and doubt that seems to have creeped in over the last few/several months. despondence and loss. i think i'm grieving the loss of hope, of optimism, of the belief that i might actually have the life i'd always imagined.

yeah. today is pretty bleak. it doesn't help that i was supposed to get home yesterday but have been stuck in dallas at the airport since last night. i just want to be home, and i wanted a day to recover and get life in order before going back to the job i hate but keep because i have to. i wanted a day to lie on the couch and feel immobilized, both by the last vestiges of joy from visiting london and by the apathy bordering on depression that took no time in rearing its head once again.

all i can do at this point is wonder why. what the hell is the point? why the hell do i bother? what is the point of any of it? if someone could give me a good, solid answer that sticks - well, i'd be grateful. i guess right now it's up to me to seek my own answers, though. means more that way, doesn't it?

i leave for london in two days and i'm nervous. yes, i'm excited - stoked to be getting out of town, out of the country, to a new place rife with exploration opportunities. i'd be an idiot not to be excited and somewhat giddy.

but i'm also nervous. it's a new place. i don't want to fall into the "typical american" ideal folks in the UK (or the rest of the world) have about us. i don't want to fuck up. i don't want to stand out (unless it's to some wealthy londoner who wants to sweep me off my feet, of course). i am nervous because i'm staying with someone who i've sort of known online for the last several years but have never met. i'm worried that i'm going to be loud and obnoxious in comparison, or that we're not going to get along. i'm afraid that he won't like having me in his house or that i won't be able to properly express my gratitude and make it up to him for letting me stay there. i'm worried i won't have enough money. i'm... yeah.

just call me piglet.

i'm not sure which is worse, twitter updates that go back and forth between "we're fighting and i'm miserable" and "he's out of town and i miss him desperately and i hate going to bed alone"... or myspace status updates of "i'm so horny and can't wait for him to do dirty things to me" mixed with "fuck you piece of shit hate hate hate"...

all of this from one person. a girl can only take so much mania, i tell you.

in other news, bless susan boyle and everything but for god's sake, LET IT GO. she has a good voice. she's unattractive in most people's eyes, but so the fuck what. GRRR. it's ridiculous and it irritates me. obviously. i need to find something else to watch from 7-8pm.

is it saturday yet?

i woke up to an email from senor crazy-pants quoting a qotsa song - "everybody knows that you're insane." i'm not sure if he was trying to connect with me or call me crazy, considering how it was all phrased, but the end result was the same: me emailing him back and telling him to let it go. so far, so good but we'll see what happens next, if anything. dude is a nut bag. my only regret is giving my him business card, which for all i know he's had enshrined with a lock of my hair or something.

bleh.

in other news, i leave for london in less than 5 days. i am so ready.

well, awe anyway. after an awe-filled week and a few shocks here and there, i'm back on track. this morning i cut all ties with the crazy person previously mentioned, and it was a huge weight lifted. of course, after finding out last night that he smokes crack a few nights a week in his room by himself, spending anywhere from 500-1000 dollars a month on it... well, yeah. the decision became crystal clear. i might be dense, and i'm apparently oblivious to some things, but i'm not dumb, nor do i have any interest in spending time with a crack smoker. for me, there is a difference between that and occasionally snorting coke at a bar or something. i could be wrong, and i probably am, but that's the line i've drawn in the sand.

anyway. so today i attempted to do some shopping for the upcoming trip to london, but to no avail. i think that my current state of being (in limbo) is affecting my ability to shop for myself. either that or there's just absolutely nothing out there that i have any interest in wearing. clothing has become baffling to me, and i wish like hell i could just let it go. wear dumpy shit and forget about it. but i can't. i'm getting old and the least i can do is dress age-appropriately but still fashionably. or stylishly, anyway. i want to look good every day. tired of the frump factor. the problem is that i couldn't put a decent style/look/outfit together to save my life. i think i need a clothing coach.

i'm heading back out in a bit, i think, to try again; and there's always tomorrow. i have a lot to do between now and next saturday when i leave, so all the better that i cut the crackhead loose. no distractions, please and thank you.

the text i woke up to this morning clinched it. he's certifiable. all i could think about on my way to the doctor today is that if you choose someone for bad/wrong reasons, you get bad/wrong results. and that is why i've been getting poor results for the last 20+ years, save one or two.

but i don't know how to do anything different. i feel like i keep trying to be something i'm not, but i also feel like i sent myself along a path as a kid that was inevitable. but wrong. so who am i? who am i meant to be? what am i meant to do? do i really want kids or is that something i've subscribed to without understanding the repercussions? am i really cut out for marriage and i'm just making bad choices, or am i meant to fly solo? if i had a kid on my own would i regret it? if i spend the rest of my life single and flitting around, will i regret that? i'm already regretting the path i've been on. i regret the choices i've made. i feel like the mess i'm in is all my fault, and that it's been my fault for my whole life.

or, at least since i got my heart broken at the ripe old age of 6.

sometimes i find myself just being tired of living. tired of being alive and going through the motions. like there's no point. what's the point? i'm not suicidal by any stretch. but have you ever noticed how long it takes to die? i've got another 36 years ahead of me, at least, and i'm bored. if i don't have kids, what's left for me? traveling? working in the same dead end job until i'm too old and tired to work and i die in my sleep? or can i drink myself to death? can i go out and engage in full-blown hedonism until it becomes embarrassing? maybe i'm meant to be a degenerate. lord knows i'm good at it. and i enjoy it.

of course, i don't enjoy the shit and guilt and depression i feel afterward. but who does?

i don't know. i'm trying to get myself together to get into school, get a degree, pay down debt... these are all worthy goals. i want to get back to the gym and try to get back into a better eating regiment. i want to find another healthy, happy relationship. but my actions would say otherwise, and i don't know if that's my subconscious trying to tell me something, or if i'm merely stuck in bad habits and need to break myself of them.

and then i wonder, again, why? why bother? what the hell is the point of anything? what is the point of being alive?

i'm sure that i will feel a surge of life and wonder when i'm in london in less than a week. i'm sure i'll see the point, and i'll be rejuvenated enough to make it another 6 months or a year without coming back to this place. i just have to question the validity of it all, you know?

yeah.

need to keep the venting to this space and away from twitter. 140 characters is only enough room to bitch - not to work through it.

so... yeah. the dude that i've been hanging out with for the last month or so (i hesitate to even call it dating since it was basically a one night stand and then a bunch of hanging out and drinking heavily) has apparently decided that he wants to unload all of his personal shit in my lap. i get an email the other day that is heavy on the drama, and most likely sent after being up late drinking or smoking weed or something along those lines. he starts freaking out about his life, feeling like he needs to make some major life changes. he's sad. lonely. has been unhappy for a really long time. feels like he has nothing to offer and yet, he wants me in his life because he sees me as the kind of woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and he needs someone to love, to care about, before he can make any of these changes.

i think he used the word "need" at least 10 times in that email. actually, that was the second email. the first one was him saying that he can't do it anymore, he can't give me what i deserve, people try to give him love and he hurts them, etc. etc. etc., then the need email. and then the one where he tells me not to let him drive me away.

JESUS.

granted, i'm operating on a massive sleep deficit so i'm probably not all that receptive. but when my emotional availability is essentially zero and my emotional involvement is about the same, you'll pardon me if i run screaming in the other direction when you come at me like that. to quote an old friend, "i got a truckload of problems out back and i'm selling 'em for real cheap." i've got enough on my plate at this point, and not even in the form of problems, but just stuff. things. stuff and things.

he's a good man. he has a good heart, and he has a lot of love to give. but he's damaged, like me. maybe more than me. and he's finally inspired to do something about it, but only because i came along and lit the pilot light he'd doused with booze however long ago. i know that feeling. sometimes the only thing that gets me moving is the inspiration of someone i'm attracted to - for whatever reason. i am attracted to the people who inspire me, people i look up to and respect. admire.

then again, i'm also attracted to deviants. i'm trying to find a balance between the two, and if there isn't a balance, i will do my damndest to make one.

anyway. i wish that i had more love to give. i wish i could be a little less self-centered, but when i am, that's when my own house of cards comes crumbling. i'm trying to build something sturdier. i can't be the center of someone's fantasy unless they can be part of my foundation. gotta have strength for that.

i hope there's room on that wagon for my rum-soaked rump. less than two weeks til london and i've got a lot of business to handle! this last trip did me no favors except to remind me that i'm really good at hedonistic behavior, and if left to my own devices, i'd shirk any and every responsibility i could find - and encourage you to do the same.

oopsie.

as much as i love rain, it surely feels like a gift to have the sunshine today. even better that i spent some time outside at a bbq. nice to be invited, good to forgo the chores for a while. it's all getting done, just a bit later in the day, and i'll still have time for a cocktail later on. i am, dare i say, content.