i just realized that an old friend of mine lives in kansas city. i will actually get to see him while i'm there next week! suddenly, kansas doesn't seem so bad.
in other news, i'm still focused on negative body image and feeling useless.
some days you just have to chalk up to failure and start over. yesterday and today fall into that category.
i've been in a bit of a life funk lately. i want to write about it, get it out, try to formulate some thoughts and ideas and plans of action and shit, but right now it's all just swirling around in my head making me uncomfortable and a little on the sad side. i feel as though there's a lot more to life, and i'm trying to figure out what it is that will help me feel as though i'm not just letting it all pass me by. the human condition - what it means to be a human, to live. there are things that help us all relate to one another - relationships, procreating, etc. - that all fall within that definition of being alive and living life that i'm trying to define. it's elusive.
i just don't want my time spent on earth to be all for naught, but maybe that's the rub. maybe, ultimately, it just doesn't matter. life doesn't matter, because when it's over there's nothing else and nothing left. it kind of makes me less inclined to spend my days doing the mundane things that people fill their time with. working. stressing. not doing something that matters to yourself, and instead just trying to survive. and instead i self medicate with booze and drugs or whatever i can find in order to distract myself from the discomfort of being alive and having no purpose.
the urge to go have drinks this afternoon/evening is overwhelming. and i may still. but right now i'm still being productive and waiting for laundry to finish before ordering my usual sunday night pizza and beginning (and finishing) the assessment for entry into wgu. this has needed to happen for weeks, and while i still have a month or so before it needs to be done for real, the next several weeks are pretty frapping busy ones.
on sunday, i leave for kansas to conduct store interviews and measure space and count light bulbs. i'm nervous, mostly that i won't finish everything in time or i won't do it right. i'm the office admin, not a research analyst, and this is all new and scary territory. plus i'll be in kansas. but whatever. i just need to trust that i'm competent enough to figure it all out. it's not hard. just...tedious.
i keep missing the ex. not in the way that i want him back as a boyfriend, so at least i know i was right in making that really fucking hard decision. but i miss him as my friend and hope at some point we can get back in touch. i'm waiting for him to make that move, but am also giving it another month or so before i nudge him. who knows? i may lose him entirely, and that would suck, but it's not up to me.
the trip to london at the end of april will be lovely. i will be staying in a relative stranger's house, but he was kind enough to open it up to me while i'm there. i can't say i would have done the same thing, but maybe now i'll consider being a bit more open to the idea. just in case anyone comes from a different state or country and needs a room in north portland, you know. i am secretly hoping to fall madly in love with someone while i'm in the UK.
this weekend has been a good one. out way too late drinking way too much on friday, but time spent with friends is always worth the suffering inflicted the next day. it was one of those "well, i could go home or i could just keep drinking" situations that i've found myself in a number of times in sf; i made the smart(er) choice and came home, but never really slept until last night. 12 hours later, i was fully recovered and ready to tackle the world! in bits and pieces, anyway. i realized, though, that i don't have many folks i can just call or text and invite out for drinks. and it's been a while since i've gone and done my own thing comfortably. i may just go out tonight regardless, have a few and then come home.
i want a new camera. the g10, please. and new clothes. and a new laptop. i know. they're THINGS. i want happiness and peace and serenity and direction and love and all that shit too. but the camera would be so nice.
this is the phrase i woke up with in my head, and it hasn't really gone anywhere.
over the last several months i got into the habit of going to the gym 2-3 times a week. i was eating well, feeling good, losing a little weight... and then something happened. i don't know what. it might have been a trip to sf, it might have been the company party or some other night of overindulgence, but whatever it was, it wrecked my momentum. and it's not even as though it was something i could get back - it's like it's just GONE. like i have to start over. i've been eating shitty again, drinking more, and i can feel the weight coming back on. i feel fat, and i'm fucking pissed. and i'm beating myself up about it, and i'm eating sugar and sweets and other shit that i shouldn't.
it's not the exercise, it's the food.
part of the problem, i know, is the drinking. it always leads to excess. it leads to eating bad foods and doing other things (and people, sometimes) that lead to bad feelings and the need to medicate with greasy food or whatever else it takes. vicious cycle of sorts. and it's empty calories and it's all kinds of other shit. but am i willing to give that up? not really. so what do i do instead? what can i do to change this so i stop gaining, start losing, and most importantly feel good about who i am and what i'm doing?
that's the million dollar fat and mad question.
i ate entirely too much and i'm going to bed anyway. i'm a rebel like that.
in other news, i am apparently flying out to kansas at the end of the month to do site visits. uh, what?! they needed another person to go, and someone thought of asking me. i'm sure they could have found someone else (or maybe not - it is kansas after all) and all i have to do is go to stores and count light bulbs. hahahaha. i think i can handle that, especially if it means getting to hang in a hotel room for five days somewhere other than here and doing something other than answering phones and wiping down countertops.
even better, three weeks after that is the trip to london. and then at the end of may, cincinnati. i look forward to all of it - for different reasons, of course. and then there's the birthday trip to vancouver, bc in the works... yeah. life is pretty okay.
definitely NOT ready for anything even remotely resembling a relationship. it may very well just be the person, or it may be my situation, but whatever it is, i'm positive that i need and want to continue doing my own thing for now. the companionship has been nice; it's all of the feelings that go along with it that i don't have the energy to face. if i thought i could have something casual without risking someone getting hurt (read: him), i might pursue it. but he's expressing too much interest and excitement already. not to me, of course, but friends of his who are also friends of mine.
so, yeah. before it gets any stickier i'll have to extricate myself from it. and it's probably for the best regardless; he's trouble, and i obviously don't need any help in that department.
and wine and bread. the perfect way to end a pretty darn good day. the best part of today was having lunch at a french restaurant with (new) friends and enjoying a bottle of wine with the laughs and companionship. plus the food was pretty damn tasty and much better than i would have had otherwise. chez joly, you won me over.
in other news, this weekend is going to be filled with trouble, i can smell it from here. plans to drink after work with co-workers who are quite a bit younger than me but i drink like they do. or vice versa. must try to keep it mellow though because i have a second set of plans later on, and that could very well go far into the night and/or morning. we'll see. and saturday night i believe will be more of the same. my body aches just thinking about it. but it's okay. it's all gonna be okay.
i make deals with myself a lot. "okay, if you are going to eat this cookie then you have to go to the gym tomorrow." shit like that. and i don't always keep the bargains i strike. what does that mean? that i have no will power? i don't respect myself enough to keep my word... to myself? i should just quit thinking these things and take care of myself as best i can, no matter what. or just accept that i'm going to do damage until i'm ready to quit. the latter may be the easier road to travel. acceptance or action - it's one or the other. i never was very good at limbo.
making peace with the past, contemplating the future, embracing the present.
that's what i'm up to.
i came home and conquered. cooked a lot of food, did a load of laundry, ate, drank, watched tv... and i'm excited as hell about an early bedtime. mostly because i think i have something resembling a date ??? tomorrow with the dude from saturday. okay, it's not a date, because just the word date freaks me out. NO DATING. casual hanging out and the possibility of sex sound good though. ugh. i suppose i'll have plenty to talk to the rapist about tomorrow.
i have a feeling it's going to be an interesting week/weekend.
stop being so delicious! i've gained back a few pounds after the last few/several weeks of indulgence in junk foods. apparently i don't get a whole lot of leeway in the food department if i want to keep the weight off. of course, it would help if i could practice even a little self restraint, but when it comes to junky foods and booze, i'm not so great at that.
so, it's back to the drawing board. i need to design better, more reasonable eating plans so that i don't flounder for food and wind up eating junk. maybe i'll save the weekends for bad eating, and plan to eat well during the week. i don't know. but something's got to give, and my will power just isn't that strong.
in other news, i got a little male attention last night, and i wasn't totally opposed to the idea. i don't know that he's at all long term potential, but at the very least it would be fun to hang out once in a while. i'm so concerned with hurting people, though, that i almost don't even want to get involved with anyone for fear of doing just that. lame. fear sucks.
