there's something about the holidays that seems to bring all the shit to the surface. poop floats, right? apparently i am water-logged because all of mine is floating and demanding attention.
turd number one: the relationship. after six months of relative happiness and peace, things seem to be on their way out. i don't know if he's just not the right one for me, or if i'm pushing him away because i'm so afraid to commit. or incapable of committing. i don't know if i've fallen into a comfort zone - because it would be easy to stay with him, he's easy to be in a relationship with - or if this is what love is supposed to look like. i wouldn't know. most of my past experiences have been rife with drama and anxiety and butterflies and racing hearts and minds. nothing races when i'm with him, and i can't help but feel like even though it's good there's no drama, it's not good that there's no pitter-pattering heart flutters either. i have told him all of this.
i've told him, too, that there is something in me that puts up a wall and prevents me from feeling like i'm part of anything or anyone else's life, and that makes it difficult to be present and involved. once i feel like i'm part of a group of friends or a family, it scares me into packing up and leaving. it's much easier to leave than it is to be left. and i have yet to trust that anyone is going to stick around. i don't like getting attached to people. people leave. people move on. people die. and sometimes people just lose interest.
but i can tell that he wouldn't go anywhere. the problem is that i'm not sure i want him to stay. another problem is that i seem to be moving on and out of my lifelong desire to marry and have kids. i feel like that opportunity is over, it's past, and i'm actually okay with it. instead, i want my freedom. i want to roam, and i want to travel, and i want to actually do the things for myself that i've wanted to do for a good long time, like get a degree. feed myself and in turn hopefully begin to believe that i'm worthy of having someone stick around. perhaps one day i'll get to the point where i'll trust that they will. and i'll seek out people who emanate trustworthy traits. and i'll attract them into my life by being the same sort of person.
in the meantime, i find myself becoming a bit disenchanted with portland. granted, it's a beautiful city. and yes, it has a lot to offer. but i am lonely here, and my family is not here. i have two or three friends, all of whom have lives of their own, and then i have the boyfriend who is still technically married and also has two young boys to look after half the time. he has his own life too. i miss my friends in san francisco, but i'd never move back there - at least, i don't think i would. i am happy to be away from the all-nighters, the heavy drinking, the stasis. but i miss having a group of people to hang out with, a handful of bars i could pop into and see familiar faces... and i don't have the wherewithal or the energy or time or money to try and establish that here.
i am broke. amazingly, i survived three months of unemployment, but barely. and now with the holidays approaching i find that i have managed my money poorly, i'm going to have to make a late payment on my credit card and cut it close with my student loan. i really should move into a smaller apartment with lower rent. i should sell my car. i should stop spending any money that isn't necessary to my survival. these are all things that i'm putting on my new year resolution list.
and to revisit the loneliness and discontentedness of living here in portland - yeah. i don't know that i'd ever move back to san francisco, or to california at all for that matter, even though i do have a large group of friends and some family. and i'm sure my sister would love for me to return; i know that she is lonely there. but i am rolling around in the back of my mind the thought of moving back to nashville. it's where my brother and his family live, it's likely where my mom will end up, and it's not far from my dad and half-brother in cincinnati.
the thing is, when i live close to family then i feel obligated to actually visit them. and they put out the guilt trips. my sister is the best/worst about that. my brother and mother have fine-tuned their approaches so as to not scare me off. i suppose that's the way to go about it with me. treat me like an animal in the wild and tread lightly and maybe hold out some food in your hand and i'll come up and take it. let you take a good look at me and then i'll run off again.
it may not be such a bad idea to just embrace that image and behave and live and love accordingly. tread lightly. observe and make sure there is no danger first, and then slowly make my way towards people instead of rushing in and then having to step back. or run. who knows.
anyway. so, yeah. that's what's up with me. broke, lonely, on the verge of a breakup, wondering if i should move again... and conversely, optimistic, looking forward to the upcoming SF trip and then the nashville trip, and pretty sure that i'll be okay no matter what.
of looking for a job. and even more tired of not getting a job. i'm also tired of there not being any jobs out there to even apply for that are worth the effort. yep. this can be over any day now, thanks.
i love this city. i love where i live, i love (most of) the people, i love the weather, the land, the distance and proximity to people, places and things...
but the job market can kiss my ass. i'd heard about it before i moved up here a year and a half ago. i was a bit concerned, but when i found a great job 3 weeks in, i figured it must just be something that other people struggle with. i rose above.
and then came the dramatic, nasty situation facilitating my departure from that job. the immature CEO, the unprofessional HR manager, the self-serving people who could have spoken up in my defense - i haven't forgiven any of them. i'm not harboring major ill will, but i am still angry and hurt. this is the first time i've experienced anything like this in the workplace, and it's also the first ugly stain on what has otherwise been a really good place to call home.
the firing/termination has also had far-reaching effects. loss of security, loss of self-esteem, loss of stability. it's been two months since i lost my job, and those two months have been filled with a lot of doubt and frustration.
i have had interviews, yes. i even made the egregious mistake of turning down a good, solid opportunity because another seemingly better one presented itself, only to have that one given to a different candidate at the last minute (after three interviews, testing, and a reference check).
i had two potential opportunities this week - one that i wanted, one that i didn't. the one i wanted was promising until yesterday when i got low-balled and told that they weren't willing to budge. it was as though they did it on purpose and had no interest in bringing me in, despite great references and an equally great interview. baffling. the one i didn't want was going to be offered to me until they decided i might not be able to meet their dress code expectations (suits, slacks or nice understated skirts a la J.Crew). and they were right; i'd have had to buy an entirely new wardrobe. all that for a receptionist position and only $17/hour.
i can't help but wonder if my expectations are set too high. if my sense of self-worth is inflated. every time i interview, i walk out feeling a little more deflated. every time i send out a resume i feel like a piece of me is going with it, and when there is no response, i feel rejected. i am beginning to doubt myself intensely. and i am beginning to doubt that this really is where i'm meant to be. or, rather, if this is where i want to be.
it's possible i'm just being tested. this time ten years ago i was strung out on the streets of san francisco. homeless, jobless, without food or shelter or hope. this is definitely different in that i have all of those things, but i am still struggling.
i don't like being resentful or insecure or angry or withdrawn or depressed because it doesn't stay in one place. i think less of myself. i look fatter in the mirror and beat myself up about it. i am less present in my relationships. needy and distant all at once. i lie on the couch not knowing what to do with myself. i find myself thinking of selling all of my shit and just moving in with a family member. starting over once again.
conceding defeat, once again.
but i can't. and i won't. i have good friends here, and i have found myself in a strong and healthy relationship - finally. i love my home, and i'm not ready or willing to give this up. instead i will just keep going for as long as i can and hope like hell that things turn around.
sooner rather than later, please.
so, let's see.
i have been unemployed for about two months now, and it's all coming to a head. i've been bored out of my skull, stressed and depressed, broke, etc. i've had some fun, too, thank goodness. but now comes time to figure some things out.
i applied for a job with an architectural firm through a headhunter/placement person. it is primarily a receptionist position, but with the opportunity to do other admin tasks as they become available. i'd be making $5 less an hour than at my last job. i would have to dress nicely every day (including casual friday) and i would essentially be chained to the front desk, or at least to the phones. they're a good, solid firm, which is a plus, and it seems as though they're pretty professional which would be ideal after my last company. they're in a good location. the benefits are fine. however. tomorrow will be my third interview for this position and they're having me do a phone test, which strikes me as a little high maintenance and controlling. i have to meet with another principal to get his sign-off. they are concerned that i will be bored and leave after 6 months since there's no guarantee of another position opening up. little to no turnover in that company. again, the sign of a good firm, but the question then becomes, how long can i stand being a receptionist?
in addition to this, there is another company i've interviewed with for whom i'd really like to work. casual environment, friendly people, great location, great benefits, NO RECEPTION WORK, and the possibility of more money. they have already checked my references, and said i should hear from them today.
this morning i got a call from the headhunter saying that the architects want to offer me the job and that i needed to call them at 2pm today to schedule a time for the phone test and meeting. i left a message for the HR woman at the other firm (where i want to work) letting her know that i had another offer on the table, and asked if she had any additional info or updates to please call me. i called the architects and scheduled my meeting for 2pm tomorrow. i spoke with the headhunter who is getting increasingly more anxious with me, which in turn stresses me right the hell out. i have not heard back from the HR woman as of yet, and if tomorrow rolls around with no update i will go to the meeting with the architects and ask for 24 hours to think about the offer.
the hardest part for me in this is that it's completely irresponsible to even consider not taking a job if it's offered to me. i've been out of work for entirely too long, and while i'm still okay financially, i just don't know that it's going to get much more promising or better out there. but at the same time, i don't want to take something and hate it. and i don't want to take something with the notion that i'll be looking for something else in the meantime or while i'm there. i want to get in with a good firm doing something i don't mind doing (i've given up on doing something i enjoy or love at this point - maybe down the road with some more schooling and clarity) and i want to STAY a while.
i hate reception work. i'm good at it, conscientious and skilled and all of that, but i hate it. so the thought of taking a receptionist position with a somewhat stuffy firm that requires professional dress and offers little to no hope for movement into another position anytime soon... well, yeah. it just doesn't sit well with me. but i don't know if it's because i don't want to have to prove myself like that again? is it because i feel like i'm starting over, both in position and pay? is it because i don't like answering to people and don't want to be under constant scrutiny like that? i'm just trying to figure out why i'm reacting to the thought of this job with such negative feelings. is it really the reception part, or is there more to it than that? is it the money? the firm itself?
mostly i think that i just don't want to be at a front desk anymore. i don't mind filling in for someone, i don't mind doing it once in a while, but all day every day with the constant interruptions and lack of freedom to move about the cabin, the heavy expectations placed on you by the higher-ups... it's just more of a peon job than i care for, even if it is so high-profile and important. amazing it can be those things and still pay so little.
anyway. i'm stuck, and i'm just hoping to hear something (anything!) from these other folks. soon.
fingers crossed and all that.
so, yeah. long time since i've posted, and that's mostly just due to being happy or content or busy or distracted or without much of anything to say. and while i am still content and without a whole lot to say, the other things do not hold as true as they once did.
i got fired a few weeks ago. coming up on three weeks, actually. long story, politically and dramatically charged, but suffice to say it was ridiculous and the farther away (further?) i get from it, the more grateful i am that i don't work for/with such people any longer. i learned lessons, and now i move on. however, the moving on part hasn't been as easy. the job market sucks and i am scared. i had to borrow money from a place i had hoped to never make use of, so now, here i am. i can make it another two weeks without work but after that i am screwed.
i have an interview tomorrow with the company i really want to work for. i am afraid to get too invested, but it's the second interview (the first was by phone to screen people i suppose). i really want to work there, really want this job. so i'm throwing it out to the universe by way of the internerd. please! pretty please.
my birthday was this past weekend. i am 36 years old. this scares me a little. closer to 40 than 30, and still no signs of the things i really wanted for myself by now. no job/career, no husband, no babies. i know there is still time, but it's hard not to worry just a little bit. or, rather, not worry - but contemplate. i have little choice in the matter, as i'm not willing to force things just yet. organic is good. and it helps that i'm involved in what seems to be a happy/healthy relationship. at least so far. we're only 2 1/2 months in. but there is optimism.
and then i'm reminded of just how delicate and precious life is, and how i shouldn't take any of it for granted. my friend's sister is about 6.5 months pregnant with twins and they're having to take them out today due to complications. the babies should be fine, but so small, and so new. here's sending all of my positive stuff to them today. if i need it tomorrow for the interview i'll borrow a little back.
so now i'm off to the mall to get a new shirt, since i don't fit into any of my older shirts, for the interview tomorrow. and then i'm going to the book store to purchase "In Defense of Food" and "The Omnivore's Dilemma." and then i'm going to the gym because i no longer fit into any of my clothes. and will hope like hell that the books will help clear up some of my food issues. i'm tired of being overweight and tired of beating myself up about it.
in summation, life is good. and there will always be struggles like these. i hope to have a better attitude about them as time goes on.
quiet. quiet is good. i'm busy and happy and overwhelmed and confused and slowly figuring it out. i'm walking and running and working it out. i'm settled in the new place and whittling away at old junk. transitioning over to public transportation from driving (albeit suuuuuuuuuuuuper slowly). i'm still dating the aforementioned good guy, and it's getting even better. trying to let myself fall into it completely instead of fighting my way out of it. being forced to take it slowly is the best possible thing that could happen, and his situation (and mine) created that environment for this. whatever "this" is. i'm just enjoying it. all of it.
i am officially all moved in to the new place, and all moved out of the old place. all that's left to do is finish putting things away and also getting rid of the boxes and junk i seem to have accumulated over the last few years. it'll feel good - it already does, just thinking about it.
in other news, i've met someone. and i should clarify that by saying i've met someone GOOD. he's thoughtful, considerate, smart, funny... he's gainfully employed and emotionally available and responsible... he doesn't deal drugs or belong to a gang, nor is he a repressed homosexual or a two-timing junkie. he's good. and what's more, he likes me. which of course leads me to 1) freak out, and 2) wonder what's wrong with him, and 3) fight the urge to completely ruin it and run away.
i am being forced to confront all of my demons. i can only hope that the work i've done over the last few years will serve as an effective defense and maybe, just maybe... i'll come out the other side of it victorious.
i think the stress i allowed myself to feel has taken its toll, in that today was one of those "please stay the hell away from me before i cut you" days. i don't know how cranky i was beforehand, but something happened wherein someone from my office complained to someone in our main office, and that someone then complained to someone else in the main office, and THAT someone then called me, and while i didn't get in trouble, per se, it was so unnecessary and infantile as to be offensive. i'm STILL offended. but i don't usually get this worked up about such innocuous crap, so i have to attribute it to being stressed. out of sorts. ready for this all to be over so i can move on to the next growth experience.
yeah. between that, and sitting here spewing epithets at my phone as text messages come in from people i love but who seem to be excessively needy/crazy/dysfunctional today, it's a damn good thing i opted to hit the gym after work, then just come home to hide. i've been productive so that helps, and now i'm just going to be still for a while. take stock of the situation and allow myself to get all the way over today and look forward to tomorrow. and the next day. and especially the day after that.
all's quiet on the blog front, mostly because i am in full on moving mode. which means cranky and stressed mode, until this sunday when it's all but over. after everything is moved out on sunday i will return once more to clean and leave keys on the counter, and then that will be all she wrote of the cozy little cave in sellwood.
i had a good date on monday. with someone what seems like an adult. amazing thing, that. i guess we'll see - i haven't smelled the crazy on him yet, but you never do know.
someone asked me today how much debt i have. it's something i've been wondering about myself. and i know that sounds terrible, but seriously. i just pay the bills when they come due; i haven't added up the total balance of ALL my debt in... well, in forever.
it's the equivalent to just over one year of my salary.
talk about a wake-up call! jesus christ.
so, i've given myself a deadline by which i will have my car sold and will cease and desist with any and all extraneous spending. my 36th birthday. it's not that far away - just a few months - and i have two or three trips already lined up between now and then - one to see my mom after she has surgery, one to SF for a friend's birthday (and it's basically free), and one possible trip to maui on my birthday weekend (that would also be free). i have the last bit of a tattoo appointment booked. once that is all over and done with, i will be going into hiding until the debt is gone. which means i'll have time to get in better shape, learn more stuff, explore the new 'hood, and get creative at meeting people and finding things to do for free.
i can do this.
