it's one of those times again when i feel like i would benefit from some therapy. or some sort of something or other that would help me get in touch with my reality. the thing is, i don't know if i'm even out of touch with it to begin with. what i really want is someone telling me what to do without me knowing that i'm being told what to do. if that makes any sense. i'm stubborn as all hell and don't respond well to advice or being told what to do. even if i know it's the right thing, i fight it. and part of it isn't being stubborn so much as just being stuck in age-old patterns that are more uncomfortable to break than they are to maintain.
i love him. i don't doubt that. and that's what's throwing me off. it's been such a long time since i've been involved with someone that i'm not even sure i know how to do it right. or how to do it well. and i wonder that if i'm not doing it right or doing it well, does that mean that the relationship itself isn't right? or just that i need some help in readjusting how i act and react in relationships?
here's to a new year with new patterns, new ideas, and hopefully new outcomes.
That trouble can still be found if I look for it. Good to know, too, that I haven't lost my touch.
Also, now we're even.
This nonsensical entry brought to you by the letter C, the number 40, and drinking for free last night at the strip club.
Part of me really wants to go out again tonight, but the smart part of me knows that I should stay in, write Christmas cards, watch a movie, be mellow. There's plenty of time for raging later on, and I want to be in good shape for the week ahead. Always better to get the drinking and stuff out of the way on Friday nights so that you have time to recover before Monday rolls around. One of the many lessons I've learned.
In other news, all is well. I need to get holiday shopping done, ideally tonight and tomorrow, and I would love to have it all out of the way by Monday. Yet another reason to stay home tonight. I'm lonely, though, and feel like I'm missing out on something. FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. So silly.
it's been raining since friday. i realize now what people mean when they say it RAINS here. it's all well and good, i mean, i like rain. and i'm also pretty good at just not paying too much mind to the weather. it is what it is, and all i can do is either deal with it or move. or get irritated about it every day, and that just sucks. i lived like that for the five years i was in minnesota, and really, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it! duh.
anyway. even though i don't mind the rain, i do mind how dark it is all the time. i'm pretty sure that's what has been making it virtually impossible to wake up every day. not just wake up, but actually get up out of bed. i'm a morning person! i live for this shit! and yet, the last week and a half i've been staying in bed until the last possible minute, getting up only when i'm anxious or pissed off enough to muster the energy. it sucks. at least i'm still giving myself enough time to shower before coming in; the no shower days can't happen anymore. it's like a sign of failure, or immaturity or something, and i don't mean for anyone else - just for me. i need to shower every day. wash the dreams away.
i am dreading going to the gym tonight. i'm petulant about having to do any chores at home. cranky about having a house guest this wednesday even though it's only for one night and it happens to be one of my favorite people. i'm sleepy, lethargic, and feel like i need a vacation. i'm bleeding, and i'm sure that's not helping matters either. ah well. i'll head home, close my eyes for half an hour, and head on out to the gym in the hopes that i'll return home a bit lighter. spiritually, if nothing else.
we're supposed to get snow here tomorrow. i look forward to that, if it does indeed come.
the boyfriend is coming down tonight. i'm definitely looking forward to that.
we talked about babies at lunch today, and it was decided that we need an office baby to play with. i offered to get knocked up, and i think i was only half-kidding. well, of course i was kidding in that i wouldn't have a baby for the whole office to play with, but... yeah. babies. i love 'em. how do you know when you're ready?
and even though nothing has ended, all is still well. imagine that.
except, of course, the financial outlook. right now that = poor. literally and figuratively. i was presented with a preexisting opportunity to make some quick money, but in order to do that i would have to compromise my morals, conscience, and relationship. obviously, i chose not to go that route. yet another change in behavior that is hard, but a no-brainer. duh.
so, i'm broke. more so than i remember being in a long time, and it's lame because it's the time of year when you want to NOT be broke so you can enjoy yourself. but whatever. i'll figure it out. and i need to just not let it stress me out, because everything else is going just fine.
i'm going to put my jammies on.
i'm tired. the last few weeks have been intense and confusing and good and bad and everything in between all at once. i feel as though i'm coming down with a cold, on top of the bacterial infection i can't seem to shake. my heart and my head will not converse and are at odds with each other. i don't know when my heart grew such a big voice, or when my head became so adept at affecting my physical self until i recognize the real truth, but perhaps it has always been that way.
i should know better by now.
totally falling down on the goal of writing here once a day. life has a funny way of changing, picking up, going places, standing still, and taking up time. and no wonder. that's all it really is, right? fluid.
the goal to write every day was for my own benefit, anyway. hell, this entire exercise is for my benefit. self-seeking, self-knowledge, self-centered... whatever you want to call it. i write to hear myself think.
even though things are going well (despite the chronic low-grade anxiety i seem to be suffering from the last few weeks), i should still be chronicling things here. maybe especially because they're going well, so that on the days that life is harder than it needs to be, i can look back and be reminded that it won't always be that way. and really, it won't always be ANY way.
this relationship, it's easy. almost too easy, which of course makes me worry. i've experienced entirely too much crazy and mean and NOT easy, i guess. but really, it doesn't need to be that hard, does it? can't you just love someone who wants the same things as you, and figure the rest out as it comes? i hope so. i hope that i'm not fooling myself into something that's going to hurt later on. i seem to be good at doing that, no matter how actualized or intuitive or in touch i think i might be. i guess we'll see. only time will tell. and all of those other pithy cliche sayings designed to offer comfort in a time of uncertainty.
in other news, i'm totally dehydrated.
i stayed home from work today. i rarely do that, but after drinking entirely too much and then puking for a few hours last night, i felt the need. even though i felt mostly fine physically, i needed the rest, and the quiet. it's been nice. i'll be glad when the nausea is completely gone, but otherwise, all is well.
i'm sitting here now in a low-lit room, candles flickering all around, and it feels peaceful. even with the noises from the upstairs neighbor, even with the uncertainty of a few aspects of my life, it's a good, quiet, necessary time.
his mother had a heart attack last night, and is in the hospital in SF. i can't imagine what that would feel like, and i don't know if/when he'll be able to get down there to visit. i would imagine that my trip up there this weekend is up in the air, and understandably so. i wish i could be with him while he figures this stuff out, but i can't. sending love will have to do.
it makes me think about my parents, and the fact that they won't be around a whole lot longer. maybe another 15-20 years, and that time goes by really quickly. it scares me. even though i'm not in that close of contact with them, even though they're in other states, it's just another reminder of mortality. what am i doing with my life? what am i doing to matter? what will i regret not saying or doing when it's my time to go?
back to the couch, my blanket and my book.
anxiety sucks. and being prone to it sucks too. these are not surprise statements. i can't think of anyone who would want to have constant butterflies and ruminating thoughts and feeling as though fifteen television sets are going off in your head at the same time. then again, who knows? some folks might get off on that sort of thing. there's something out there for everyone.
anyway. i feel a bit better, surprisingly enough, after finding out just what it is i'm getting into. trouble, apparently. he's affiliated with a bunch of guys who are known for being trouble. i wish i'd known this in the beginning, whether from experience or just hearing stories, but at this point i don't know how much that would have mattered. i've always been drawn to the naughty ones, and i seem to have landed another one.
here we go again.
i am reflective. not in the sense that i think about things, although that is certainly true too. what i mean is that i'm like a mirror in a lot of ways. i reflect what other people put out there. if the overall mood is good, if the person i'm with is positive and confident and happy, then so am i. but if the person i'm with is sad, depressed, angry, insecure or nutty, then so am i.
you can see why this might be a problem, especially considering my past choices in friends and dating partners.
the first time i went to treatment, the therapist i had there told me she was concerned about me because i soak up negativity like a sponge. it stuck with me, because it's true. i'm easily swayed. not just in the negative direction, but in ANY direction. this is what makes me feel like i'm not really myself. not who i'm meant to be. not fully actualized. i don't necessarily follow people on purpose, and i do find myself working hard to just maintain, but it's hard not to be affected by whatever's going on with those around me. i don't know if that means that i'm weak, or merely empathetic, or perhaps somewhere in between.
so, on sunday i drove up to see the person with whom i've been conversing this last month. i needed to see his eyes, his face, in order to know that the words we were exchanging had merit, and meant as much as i thought they did. and they do. even in struggling through the initial surprises and adjustments that come from taking an online thing to a real life thing, even with my fear of believing in things only to be disappointed once again - there is hope.
and that's where the insecurity comes in. probably for both of us. we talked for a bit when i got home on sunday night, and then exchanged a few messages yesterday during the day. i didn't call him after work, but instead got down to the business of cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, grocery shopping... and when i got out of the grocery store i saw that he'd called twice, left a message, and then sent a text message asking if all was okay. when i called him back, he was heading into a show and we only talked for a minute but he sounded a little unsure, and brusque. said he'd call later.
i got home, finished up everything, and was in bed by 10:30. he called around 11pm, i think, while he was on his way home. again, a very brief conversation and the way he talked was... different. again, unsure and a bit short. we said our goodbyes, and i've sent a message and text this morning but have received no response as of yet. not totally unusual, but it feels different.
i could be reading way more into it than necessary. actually, it's probably pretty likely that i am, because that's what i do and it's what i'm good at. but here's the thing. before i went up there, we talked a bit about things. saying stuff like "well, what if you get up here and you're not attracted to me" and things along those lines. of course it's always possible - you can only tell so much from photos and the phone. he would tell me that he didn't care about looks, that he already thought i was beautiful and that he didn't need to see me to know. but then he would say the "well, you could get up here and not find me attractive" stuff. and he'd say things about not being perfect, etc. etc. so when i got up there and found that he has gained a fair amount (okay, a lot) of weight since any of his photos were taken, i understood.
at least, i think i understand.
here's the thing. the last guy i dated was at least 100 lbs overweight, and it wasn't a huge deal. of course, i didn't respond well when he tried to give me food/diet advice, but that aside, i didn't mind. and upon seeing this new man, i was admittedly caught off guard, but it didn't last that long. i'm still struggling with it all, partially because it was unexpected, and partially because i don't want to date someone else who is insecure about his size. or insecure about me wanting to be in his life because of his appearance.
*sigh*
so, i think he got insecure, but i don't know if i want or need to ask him about it. i suppose i could tell him that i get insecure and unsure sometimes, and maybe that will be enough. i don't know. the thing is, i am a little insecure right now too. it's hard to make a go of something with all the distance and not being able to spend time together when you want/need to in order to feel safe. this coming weekend will help, i think. no, i know it will.
