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i think i'm going to relocate back to livejournal. i like this place, of course, but i like that people cannot search on LJ for my email address and find my blog. never did figure out how to turn off that setting here. i'm not sold on either place, really, so maybe i'll switch it up now and again.

so for the three of you who read this, let me know if you want the other link. i won't be hurt if you don't ask, promise. :)

i don't want to go anywhere.

when i weigh the pros and cons of moving back to california to live in my sister's home (in a separate apartment, of course), the pros come out ahead. it makes sense. live cheaply/almost for free; be close to family; be close enough to friends to see them but far enough away to focus on my studies; find a full time job and use whatever i can to pay down my debt faster than i ever could here... the list goes on. because yes, i'm lonely here. yes, i dislike my job immensely and would welcome a change. yes, i'm in debt and it's not getting any better.

but i love my apartment. i love portland. i care about the few friends i have made here. i love the view from my back porch. i love being far enough away from family and friends that it's always good to see them when i go back.

there are a few other reasons it would make sense to move back there. additional income. better airports to fly out of. more money with which to travel. but ultimately, i can't imagine packing up my shit once again, putting it all in storage, and living like that for three years or however long it would take to pay down the debt and complete my degree. when i think about it i don't get excited or panicky like it needs to happen RIGHT NOW, as i have with past moves.

but i think this means that it's worth giving some serious deliberation and thought to, instead of making a knee-jerk reaction decision. i'll be down there next month and will be able to see it all first-hand. see if it feels like the right thing to do. and if it does, then i will slowly, carefully start considering the necessary steps.

for right now, i am content. and through a friend of mine i have been introduced (or reintroduced) to pablo neruda. it's enough to keep this poor old lonely heart afloat for a while longer.

"I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul."

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."  (Pablo Neruda)

remind me again why i thought putting up a dating profile on mercury lovelab was a good idea? nothing has ever come from that site. the one person this time (aside from the young scottish fella who i'd already met on ms) to express any interest has been someone who oozes... well, sleaze. i could be wrong, but i'm usually not. everyone else on there is either icky, too cool for their own good, not interested in kids, or not interested in ME. that site is not good for this old girl's ego.

as if i was hurting in that department.

but really. i might as well get back on eharmony for all the good this is doing me.

i'm still in the midst of trying to figure it all out. not making any knee-jerk decisions. i'm recovering from spending time with my dad for four days and realizing that nothing changed as the result of it. but nothing really needed to. it's up to me at this point. what's done is done, and whatever will be will be. and all that shit.

the weather is changing and my mood is improving - at least when i'm not at work. when i AM at work...well, yeah. that's another story.

in the meantime, i'm looking forward to heading to dc in a few weeks. long distance bootie calls are pretty okay with me. and then my mom will be here for a few days. after she leaves, another friend will be in town (not a bootie call). and then i'll likely try to get to san francisco for the 7/4 weekend. a month after that, puerto rico. in the midst of all of this i have jury duty on monday and have to start school the same day.

it's no wonder i'm having some of the craziest dreams i can remember. t-shaped tools inserted into the heads of penises. making out with my brother. skin popping heroin. that sort of thing. it'll be interesting to see what my brain conjures up tonight.

it must be that scottish boy. or maybe it's the other one. *boggle*

as a precursor to what will likely just be a huge brain dump, i feel compelled to state (for the record and those of you unfamiliar with my lamentations) that while this may come off as morose or depressed or sad or what have you, it really is just a process. and it's not the entire picture, so there's no need for wadded panties or hurt feelings or worries. take what you need and leave the rest, right?

i just returned from a visit to ohio to meet my newest nephew, spend time with my brother and his wife, and also to see my dad and stepmom. i haven't seen my dad in over three years, and it still surprises me at how quickly and without notice the time seemed to pass for both of us. he's not the type to speak up and i'm not the type to speak out, so the visits happen when they're meant to, i suppose. or when i feel compelled.

there's a part of me that was hoping for some sort of resolution to take place, i guess. some letting go, healing, moving on, forward, etc. but of course, that doesn't happen when no words are exchanged, nothing given, nothing taken other than superficial discussions. we tread on thin ice with each other for different reasons but the result is the same. i leave, and i am disheartened. a little sad. but none the worse for wear and not at all surprised.

i got to see where i come by my sometimes irrational and often-times knee-jerk temper flares come from. i got to see that i am more like him than i'd have imagined since i only spent 6 years of my life around him. and i got to experience what it must have been like for all the siblings who actually got to live their lives with him when i did not. i still don't know who came out better for it.

i suppose that depends on your definition.

today was a day filled with travel. three flights home gives a person time to reflect, and i was no exception. spending time with dad coupled with the books i've been reading and the life i've been living lately and it all took a toll. i can't say if it's nostalgia or just plain old heartache, but it's there and while i'm trying to sort through it all, i'm also looking forward to it fading again. like it always does.

is it possible to start all over? could i just quit my job, sell/donate my shit, sever contact with friends and family and just begin again? sometimes it's tempting. lately i've felt as though every thing i've said and done has been a mistake. everything i continue to say and do, how i present myself, who i let in, all of it - wrong. i feel lost, as though i'm the missing puzzle piece to a greater picture and just can't seem to fit no matter where i go. the things that i want for myself elude me - they have, for more years than i care to count - and i have to believe that i'm the cause. but why? are they unreasonable? or am i just not meant to have them? do i continue to make bad choices thereby ensuring that i will continue to fail?

it gets more personal than that, too. but this isn't the place to air all of my laundry. just the bits on top.

i am stuck between the life i've led thus far, the one i know how to live and keep falling back to, and the life i want more than anything but seem to never quite make it. and whether it has anything to do with my dad or not - which it may have at  one point but i'm too old to use him as an excuse now - the reality is that it has everything to do with ME. me and the life i've constructed in my head that generally bears little or no resemblance to the real one going on outside. and until the two meet up, i suppose i'll keep having all of these questions and seeking out the answers.

and maybe that's what life is. not the questions or the answers but the spaces in between.

i got a text from one of my closest friends today, telling me that she'd hooked up with someone last night. i asked who, and it turned out to be someone i used to have a crush on when i lived there. now, it's been two years and i think i'd pretty much gotten over hoping something would come of it when i was there, but for some reason it still bummed me out. why is that? i don't even care that she told me because it would have been worse/different if she hadn't. it's more that i'm bummed about the fact that i even CARE. but apparently i do.

sigh. emotions and feelings are stupid.

it's been a good weekend, that aside. i seem to have finally emerged from that horrible bout of depression i'd sunk into the last few weeks. i am once again determined to get into shape, to lose 15 lbs., and to get the school ball rolling. and i have goals set for the weight loss thing. of course, a weekend of drinking like this one does me no good, but it was fun to get out and see friends i hadn't seen in a long time. softball game today (go vern!) and beer and hot dogs in the sun. it's been a happy few days. thankfully.

i decided this morning that i wasn't going to be negative and i wasn't going to let things bother me like they have been. i'm amazed at how well it worked. i still had an attitude problem of sorts, and i still ate way more food than was necessary in an effort to assuage whatever subconscious discomfort i've got going on. but i felt better. it was a welcome respite from the usual bitter self i inhabit at work, so i can't complain.

it might also be helping that i'm considering my options regarding whether or not i'll stay in portland or move on. i have options and they're becoming more and more appealing as the days pass. but i'm taking my time in making any decisions so that they're less likely to be borne of a sad/broken spirit and instead made because they make the most sense. suffice to say, it's all sounding really good on paper; i just need to do some major qa/qc with it before i take it live.

i've read over old journal entries lately; blog entries, travel journal entries, anywhere i've recorded thoughts, basically. and what strikes me is just how unhappy and negative and occasionally crazy i seem. it's not how i've thought of myself. it's not how i remember feeling or being. and yet, it's pervasive and a common theme. it makes me wonder what the hell happened. have i always been so sad? so angry? so bitter and resentful? where does it come from, and why does it never seem to dissipate? what can i do to get rid of it or focus on other things?

it occurs to me throughout each and every day (at least when i'm at work) that i have a whole lot of life left, but that doesn't give me any joy. in fact, it bores me and is kind of annoying. i'm tired of the life i'm living. there's no point to anything i do. i experience peace and a respite from the suck when i'm at home, or out drinking and overindulging in the revelry. i feel like i need a near-death experience to appreciate the life i have because right now i don't appreciate shit.

i need to find some joy in my life. or put some there. find and do and be what matters most.

the other day, in meeting with my talking doctor, she reassured me that it's not that there's something wrong with me or that i'm lacking in some significant quality that prevents me from meeting good people. it's more due to what i've been willing to let in. i need to learn to let the good ones in and say "no thanks!" and run away from the not so good ones. case in point: the crackhead. new case in point: the 29 year old scottish dude who apparently is spreading his verbal seed all over the internet in hopes of finding someone/anyone who will take the bait. he started sending messages on myspace last week and at first he seemed harmless. then, of course, i did a little digging and found what sort of messages he likes to leave other women on his friends list. and the text messages he sent were a pretty huge indication of his nature, too.

the funny part is that he tries to claim that he's well behaved and chaste, that his crass nature and lewd comments were part of his UK sense of humor. in other words, he's a classless douche because he's from scotland? interesting. i think my other UK friends might beg to differ, but who knows. all i know is that i'm not so dumb to fall for that. or for anything else he had to offer (which wasn't much). we were supposed to meet up last night to go to a roller derby match but i wound up canceling - mostly due to a hangover and upset stomach, but also due to a growing disinterest in spending my time fending off his advances. scottish or not.

so, yeah. i have put my hat in the dating ring again via an online service but we'll see. i am really tired and not interested in having to deflect icky ones, and that's usually what ends up happening in this situation, so it may be another short-lived experiment.

i meant to go to church this morning but just couldn't be bothered. sometime around 10am i heard a knock at my door and i (very smartly) ignored it; turned out it was a jehovah's witness come to spread the good news or something. i threw the flier away.

in other news, i'll be going to cincinnati this month, dc next month, sf in july and puerto rico in august. i'm tired and broke just thinking about it, but it's all worth it. 

too much to drink, a few other things in the mix, and suddenly life is... well... manageable. "its never over - my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder." jeff buckley makes things okay too. but yeah. "she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."

you know the tune.

today i am okay. despite the frustrations and the irritations. it helps to know that it's all situational and very little is chemical or emotional. it helps to know that if i were to go somewhere, anywhere... it would improve. at the very least it would change. and maybe that's all i need, but who knows.

in case you're wondering, these would be the ramblings of an intoxicated someone and it's okay if, tonight, you don't pay attention. we'll see what happens tomorrow. i have plans with someone to go see roller derby. he's young, he's scottish, and he's got a few other, uh, qualities that may or may not determine an early outcome. no need to go into it, but here's hoping he's not as nuts as the last one. that's all i'll say.

i'm hungry.