so many things.

there's something about the holidays that seems to bring all the shit to the surface. poop floats, right? apparently i am water-logged because all of mine is floating and demanding attention.

turd number one: the relationship. after six months of relative happiness and peace, things seem to be on their way out. i don't know if he's just not the right one for me, or if i'm pushing him away because i'm so afraid to commit. or incapable of committing. i don't know if i've fallen into a comfort zone - because it would be easy to stay with him, he's easy to be in a relationship with - or if this is what love is supposed to look like. i wouldn't know. most of my past experiences have been rife with drama and anxiety and butterflies and racing hearts and minds. nothing races when i'm with him, and i can't help but feel like even though it's good there's no drama, it's not good that there's no pitter-pattering heart flutters either. i have told him all of this.

i've told him, too, that there is something in me that puts up a wall and prevents me from feeling like i'm part of anything or anyone else's life, and that makes it difficult to be present and involved. once i feel like i'm part of a group of friends or a family, it scares me into packing up and leaving. it's much easier to leave than it is to be left. and i have yet to trust that anyone is going to stick around. i don't like getting attached to people. people leave. people move on. people die. and sometimes people just lose interest.

but i can tell that he wouldn't go anywhere. the problem is that i'm not sure i want him to stay. another problem is that i seem to be moving on and out of my lifelong desire to marry and have kids. i feel like that opportunity is over, it's past, and i'm actually okay with it. instead, i want my freedom. i want to roam, and i want to travel, and i want to actually do the things for myself that i've wanted to do for a good long time, like get a degree. feed myself and in turn hopefully begin to believe that i'm worthy of having someone stick around. perhaps one day i'll get to the point where i'll trust that they will. and i'll seek out people who emanate trustworthy traits. and i'll attract them into my life by being the same sort of person.

in the meantime, i find myself becoming a bit disenchanted with portland. granted, it's a beautiful city. and yes, it has a lot to offer. but i am lonely here, and my family is not here. i have two or three friends, all of whom have lives of their own, and then i have the boyfriend who is still technically married and also has two young boys to look after half the time. he has his own life too. i miss my friends in san francisco, but i'd never move back there - at least, i don't think i would. i am happy to be away from the all-nighters, the heavy drinking, the stasis. but i miss having a group of people to hang out with, a handful of bars i could pop into and see familiar faces... and i don't have the wherewithal or the energy or time or money to try and establish that here.

i am broke. amazingly, i survived three months of unemployment, but barely. and now with the holidays approaching i find that i have managed my money poorly, i'm going to have to make a late payment on my credit card and cut it close with my student loan. i really should move into a smaller apartment with lower rent. i should sell my car. i should stop spending any money that isn't necessary to my survival. these are all things that i'm putting on my new year resolution list.

and to revisit the loneliness and discontentedness of living here in portland - yeah. i don't know that i'd ever move back to san francisco, or to california at all for that matter, even though i do have a large group of friends and some family. and i'm sure my sister would love for me to return; i know that she is lonely there. but i am rolling around in the back of my mind the thought of moving back to nashville. it's where my brother and his family live, it's likely where my mom will end up, and it's not far from my dad and half-brother in cincinnati.

the thing is, when i live close to family then i feel obligated to actually visit them. and they put out the guilt trips. my sister is the best/worst about that. my brother and mother have fine-tuned their approaches so as to not scare me off. i suppose that's the way to go about it with me. treat me like an animal in the wild and tread lightly and maybe hold out some food in your hand and i'll come up and take it. let you take a good look at me and then i'll run off again.

it may not be such a bad idea to just embrace that image and behave and live and love accordingly. tread lightly. observe and make sure there is no danger first, and then slowly make my way towards people instead of rushing in and then having to step back. or run. who knows.

anyway. so, yeah. that's what's up with me. broke, lonely, on the verge of a breakup, wondering if i should move again... and conversely, optimistic, looking forward to the upcoming SF trip and then the nashville trip, and pretty sure that i'll be okay no matter what.