okay, okay.

i missed a day. two if you don't count the lengthy, self-indulgent blog at the myspace depot, but i'm saying one day. ah well. progress not perfection, right?

my father has called me more in the last month than we have talked on the phone in the last year. it's a little unsettling, and i don't know why he's suddenly decided to send attention my way, but i'm just taking it slowly and as it comes. i want more than anything to have a relationship with him - one that doesn't include just forwarding email jokes once in a while - but i'm afraid to get too attached to him. so i'm not. but it comes at a good time in my life, when i'm feeling more detached than ever.

i finally broke up with the boyfriend. i'm still not sure it was the right thing to do, but i have to trust my gut and hope like hell it's not leading me astray. or that i'm mistaking my baggage for my gut.

what's been hitting me lately is that i really have no idea who i am. none. i have no concept or sense of self, which is why i flounder so much. trying what i think sounds good or cool or what seems to make other people happy. running the gamut from tattoos to fancy clothes to food to wine to dive bars to classy establishments... and of course all of these things are external. none of them tell me who a person is, or who I am (more importantly). i've been lost for a long ass time, and until i figure out who i am and what i really want, i'm going to continue to suffer like this.

however, i cannot in all good conscience involve another human in my struggles until i'm on the other side of them (or closer to that side, anyway). so, i'm single once again. and this one really hurt. i love him a great deal, and it doesn't make sense that it would feel as though he's not "the one" since he's so good in so many ways. no compromising necessary.

and yet, here i sit.

so that's how i started the new year. and i have a lot of goals/aspirations/resolutions/etc. as i alluded to in the previous post. today has added another to the list, and it's a bit of a be-all/end-all to the list i've already composed. my father reminded me that i have a close family friend living in australia, and he has extended the invitation that should i find myself in sydney, i'm welcome to stay with him and his wife. that they'd love to show me around and spend time with me. i think this should be the year that i take him/them up on that, so that will be my dangling carrot which inspires me to 1)lose weight, 2) save my vacation time up,  and 3) spend as little as possible. this involves selling my car, ordering food from a CSA, and getting over the need to visit san francisco every 3 months. i should make friends here anyway. ones who aren't so easy to destroy my liver with.

anyway. i'm all up in it today and have been for the last few days. i almost went to church this morning, and i think i might actually go for real next sunday. i am feeling empty these days. unfulfilled in every way imaginable. it's time to do something about that.