lost and found

as a precursor to what will likely just be a huge brain dump, i feel compelled to state (for the record and those of you unfamiliar with my lamentations) that while this may come off as morose or depressed or sad or what have you, it really is just a process. and it's not the entire picture, so there's no need for wadded panties or hurt feelings or worries. take what you need and leave the rest, right?

i just returned from a visit to ohio to meet my newest nephew, spend time with my brother and his wife, and also to see my dad and stepmom. i haven't seen my dad in over three years, and it still surprises me at how quickly and without notice the time seemed to pass for both of us. he's not the type to speak up and i'm not the type to speak out, so the visits happen when they're meant to, i suppose. or when i feel compelled.

there's a part of me that was hoping for some sort of resolution to take place, i guess. some letting go, healing, moving on, forward, etc. but of course, that doesn't happen when no words are exchanged, nothing given, nothing taken other than superficial discussions. we tread on thin ice with each other for different reasons but the result is the same. i leave, and i am disheartened. a little sad. but none the worse for wear and not at all surprised.

i got to see where i come by my sometimes irrational and often-times knee-jerk temper flares come from. i got to see that i am more like him than i'd have imagined since i only spent 6 years of my life around him. and i got to experience what it must have been like for all the siblings who actually got to live their lives with him when i did not. i still don't know who came out better for it.

i suppose that depends on your definition.

today was a day filled with travel. three flights home gives a person time to reflect, and i was no exception. spending time with dad coupled with the books i've been reading and the life i've been living lately and it all took a toll. i can't say if it's nostalgia or just plain old heartache, but it's there and while i'm trying to sort through it all, i'm also looking forward to it fading again. like it always does.

is it possible to start all over? could i just quit my job, sell/donate my shit, sever contact with friends and family and just begin again? sometimes it's tempting. lately i've felt as though every thing i've said and done has been a mistake. everything i continue to say and do, how i present myself, who i let in, all of it - wrong. i feel lost, as though i'm the missing puzzle piece to a greater picture and just can't seem to fit no matter where i go. the things that i want for myself elude me - they have, for more years than i care to count - and i have to believe that i'm the cause. but why? are they unreasonable? or am i just not meant to have them? do i continue to make bad choices thereby ensuring that i will continue to fail?

it gets more personal than that, too. but this isn't the place to air all of my laundry. just the bits on top.

i am stuck between the life i've led thus far, the one i know how to live and keep falling back to, and the life i want more than anything but seem to never quite make it. and whether it has anything to do with my dad or not - which it may have at  one point but i'm too old to use him as an excuse now - the reality is that it has everything to do with ME. me and the life i've constructed in my head that generally bears little or no resemblance to the real one going on outside. and until the two meet up, i suppose i'll keep having all of these questions and seeking out the answers.

and maybe that's what life is. not the questions or the answers but the spaces in between.