in retrospect

i've read over old journal entries lately; blog entries, travel journal entries, anywhere i've recorded thoughts, basically. and what strikes me is just how unhappy and negative and occasionally crazy i seem. it's not how i've thought of myself. it's not how i remember feeling or being. and yet, it's pervasive and a common theme. it makes me wonder what the hell happened. have i always been so sad? so angry? so bitter and resentful? where does it come from, and why does it never seem to dissipate? what can i do to get rid of it or focus on other things?

it occurs to me throughout each and every day (at least when i'm at work) that i have a whole lot of life left, but that doesn't give me any joy. in fact, it bores me and is kind of annoying. i'm tired of the life i'm living. there's no point to anything i do. i experience peace and a respite from the suck when i'm at home, or out drinking and overindulging in the revelry. i feel like i need a near-death experience to appreciate the life i have because right now i don't appreciate shit.

i need to find some joy in my life. or put some there. find and do and be what matters most.