here's the truth.

i don't want to go anywhere.

when i weigh the pros and cons of moving back to california to live in my sister's home (in a separate apartment, of course), the pros come out ahead. it makes sense. live cheaply/almost for free; be close to family; be close enough to friends to see them but far enough away to focus on my studies; find a full time job and use whatever i can to pay down my debt faster than i ever could here... the list goes on. because yes, i'm lonely here. yes, i dislike my job immensely and would welcome a change. yes, i'm in debt and it's not getting any better.

but i love my apartment. i love portland. i care about the few friends i have made here. i love the view from my back porch. i love being far enough away from family and friends that it's always good to see them when i go back.

there are a few other reasons it would make sense to move back there. additional income. better airports to fly out of. more money with which to travel. but ultimately, i can't imagine packing up my shit once again, putting it all in storage, and living like that for three years or however long it would take to pay down the debt and complete my degree. when i think about it i don't get excited or panicky like it needs to happen RIGHT NOW, as i have with past moves.

but i think this means that it's worth giving some serious deliberation and thought to, instead of making a knee-jerk reaction decision. i'll be down there next month and will be able to see it all first-hand. see if it feels like the right thing to do. and if it does, then i will slowly, carefully start considering the necessary steps.

for right now, i am content. and through a friend of mine i have been introduced (or reintroduced) to pablo neruda. it's enough to keep this poor old lonely heart afloat for a while longer.

"I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul."

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."  (Pablo Neruda)